Computing's nice and accurate Budget predictions

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Computing's team of highly trained editorial staff offer their fully, definitively, 100% accurate forecast for what to expect tomorrow. Probably.

Tom Allen

As part of the government's plan to build the UK into a science and technology superpower, the Chancellor will make a commitment to planning a sub-committee for a task force to discuss increasing funding for tech startups, to be delivered in 2025 or just before the next General Election, whichever comes first.

Established companies won't be forgotten: to support the UK's famous Silicon Roundabout, firms with an address in Old Street will receive a 0.1% tax break and a badge shaped like Rishi Sunak's face. The badge (one per company) will read, "I'm doing my part."

To close the long-standing cyber skills gap, the government will invest £1 billion to retrain ballet dancers* as DevOps engineers, on the basis that they're already pretty agile.

Finally, in a cost-cutting measure, the Prime Minister will be replaced with ChatGPT. Among other things, it will save having to buy a new Downing Street lectern every 12 months.

* Other types of performing artists need not apply.

Penny Horwood

In line with the government's stated intention to make the UK a global hub for cryptoasset tech, the Chancellor is to announce the launch of Britcoin! UK citizens will be encouraged to invest what's left of their savings into the new digital venture, with the proceeds being used to fund tax breaks to attract investment into the "new Silicon Valley."

The Chancellor will announce that the findings of the consultation into the feasibility of Britcoin!, which the Treasury began last month, has already established that Britcoin! is likely to prove successful on the basis that UK taxpayers are well practiced in handing over large sums of money and receiving very little of tangible value in return.

Speaking of which, mindful of growing public disquiet about the cost to the taxpayer of the coronation of King Charles III, the Chancellor will also announce that the lavish celebrations will be part funded by the sale of a series of commemorative NFTs featuring portraits of the King and Queen, and remaining working members of the Royal family.

Finally, in an effort to bridge the digital skills gap and attract a greater number of women into the tech workforce and retain those valuable skills for longer, the Budget will contain provisions to encourage greater transparency when it comes to salaries.

Mindful of the fact that companies employing fewer than 249 people constitute 99% of British businesses and account for 61% of UK employment, the Chancellor will announce the extension of pay gap data reporting to smaller businesses.

Just kidding, that'll never happen.

John Leonard

Britain's rivers are a world-beating source of effluent and the Chancellor will announce several new 'craptech' hubs to make the most of this abundance of 'brown gold'.

"This country is uniquely placed to take advantage of this exciting growth area," the Chancellor is expected to say. "We've turned everything to shit and now we're determined to profit from it."