The question for today is, “Should the UK government fund a residential optical fibre rollout?” This would involve finally ripping out the copper connections we’ve had since the 19th century and slipping in some brand spanking new optical fibre, which theoretically would allow bandwidths to reach near gigabit speeds.

My answer is yes, because the private sector has the timidity of that rarest of UK mammals, the yellow-necked mouse, and a short-term view that is comparable to the life span of said rodent. Unfortunately, the same could be said of every government of the past 40 years.

Earlier this month I attended the launch of Ofcom’s Future Broadband: Policy Approach to Next Generation Access consultation document at the regulator’s London headquarters. The document aims to encourage everybody who’ll be affected by such a rollout to pipe up and air their views.

At the event, Ofcom chief technology officer Peter Ingram said the two options were rolling out fibre to the cabinet (FTTC) from local exchanges, which would cost £10bn, or rolling fibre out all the way into people’s living rooms. This latter option is called fibre to the home (FTTH), and the cost? “North of £15bn,” according to Ingram.
OK, FTTH seems a bit pricey, so let’s roll out fibre to the cabinet. Right then, taxpayers, that’ll be £10bn, please. Would prime minister Gordon Brown rubber stamp that one? Not likely.

Well, tot this lot up: new nuclear-powered, nuke-carrying submarines, £20bn; new nuclear-powered aircraft carriers, £5bn; the Eurofighter, £20bn and counting; the Olympics, £12bn and counting. Now, when you consider that all these projects are bound to overrun, we’re looking at a combined bill for the taxpayer that will probably be well over £100bn. That £10bn doesn’t look so unreasonable now, does it?

So, let’s imagine Stephen Timms, the minister for competitiveness, has a conversion of biblical proportions and announces, “OK, I’m convinced the UK needs this ­ let’s roll!”

Now, with the aid of the Bailey crystal ball, this is what happened next. Ofcom charged Openreach with the job of rolling out fibre to all the local exchanges and street cabinets. Deadlines were missed and costs went up. The upgrade was completed in 2015 and the final bill stood at £25bn. Private firms were then invited to bid for street cabinet access and after five years UK broadband speeds shot through the roof and approached gigabit speeds ­ in both directions.

[Editor’s note: Dave Bailey is now in a residential care home for the incurably insane.]