The web needs better PR

The internet gets a terrible press. If it's not actually the place where terrible crimes such as cannibalism take place, it is being accused of contributing to them by advertising and promoting such activities. It's even got crimes of its own, phishing, hackings, and denial of service attacks to name but a weekend's work.

But is the internet really so toxic? Should the average person put on a white boiler suit and a pair of Marigolds before they sit down in front of the keyboard - perhaps with an emergency alarm in easy reach, like those in the homes of the very ill and elderly?

No. We have to be realistic - there is a lot of online crime, but it is not as bad as the publicity suggests. To give the internet its credit and a better public image I have therefore started an online soap opera in which the principal characters use, and benefit from the internet a lot.

Typically, people on television shows do not use the internet unless they are shown breaking into a government system using nothing more than a graphical representation of a sledge hammer or a skull and crossbones - and a laughing one at that. At other times it is portrayed as an unstoppable stream of pornography - endlessly spitting reams of boobs and bums into the workplace of a degenerate or the bedroom of a spotty oik.

Not once have I seen anyone on Coronation Street celebrate the fact that their online order of a Region 1 DVD of Q, the Winged Serpent has arrived, or talk about the successes they have had tracing their family through a genealogy site.

Of course mine is not the first online soap opera. But it does pride itself on being the most downbeat. Imagine, if you can, the most hellish scenario for misery and depravity - basically EastEnders. Now add a flesh-eating baboon that can drive a car and participate in radio discussion phone-ins, and you have BaboonWithaView.co.uk.

Reg, for that is the baboon's name, has a Pat Butcher type role. He acts as a guardian uncle, albeit a belligerent one, and whenever a character has a problem he points them to a site on the net that might help them... More often than not it does, and usually the episode will end with a satisfactory conclusion - or, failing that, a screeching car chase or argumentative panel discussion.

I have to admit that so far my soap opera is not a success. Reg is a real baboon and does not respond well to instruction. Often an episode, always transmitted live, ends up sounding like a man being attacked by a baboon. After 10 minutes an impasse is reached - then the audience is treated to the sounds of deep breathing and meat being torn. Finally, providing that there is enough fried chicken in the bucket, I manage to squeeze in a message about the benefits of the net. I do this four nights a week, 52 weeks of the year.

But the reason why it continues is not audience pressure - quite the opposite. It's passion.

I am passionate about the web and I want it to be loved and cherished... with or without the help of a baboon called Reg.