Diary of a salesman

MONDAY

ftware's Tony Bishbury mans the stand at the exhibition from hell. Pack bags ready for software conference which runs for the rest of the week. Despite some transparently fabricated hype from the marketing director - "All of our business in the previous 12 months can be traced back to leads from last year's event" - the thought of three days of forced smiling and flesh-pressing in some washed-up out-of-season seaside s**thole fails to excite.

TUESDAY

Arrive at the so-called exhibition hall which turns out to be a very large sheet of tarpaulin stretched over the hotel car park. I follow the exhibition map in search of Dintona's stand until I reach the right aisle.

As I look up I'm immediately impressed by a stand which resembles the flight deck of the USS Enterprise adorned with pretty young business types, give-away tee shirts, carrier bags and a bar. Wow, I think, hats off to marketing, they've really done a good job.

Unfortunately, it soon dawns on me that I recognise no-one on the stand.

I was too close to see the five foot high neon letters spelling out the name of our main rival. Shielding my eyes from the lights, I trudge past to find a familiar face, Dintona's marketing director, Dirk 'Possibly' Mabee.

"Hi, Tony, what do you think of the stand?" he asks. "Yeah, great, a little bright though," I say blinking towards our rival's efforts. "No, not that one. What do you think of OUR stand?" Dirk steps aside to allow me to assess the full impact of his efforts.

The stand's design appears to have been inspired by a railway station confectionery kiosk. I squeeze past Dirk onto the platform. Words are not enough to express my first impressions and so I decide to change the subject. "Any freebies, Dirk?" I ask, looking around hopefully. "Well, last year the MD thought that the tee-shirts we had made up were a bit expensive to give away so we haven't got any this year."

"But, surely you've got to have some sort of memorable marketing give-away to appease our prospects," I ventured.

"Ah yes, don't worry. The MD's approved the budget for 200 Dintona Software pencils. They should arrive any time now."

Plead tiredness and head for hotel.

WEDNESDAY

Turn up for stand duty to find lots of people milling around. Looks promising I think. And many of them female too. Exactly why becomes clear when I realise our stand is being used as a shortcut to the Ladies.

THURSDAY

After a quiet morning, I sense that most of my colleagues are spending more time 'researching the competition' on other stands than selling on ours.

My suspicion that this has more to do with networking than 'research' is confirmed when one of our salesman announces his resignation, changes his name badge to that of our rivals, and spends the rest of the conference winking and grinning at us from their crowded stand.

FRIDAY

Spirits lifted as both the MD and the promotional pencils arrive. Mood immediately changes however when the MD, violently waving the box of pencils, enquires as to "Which free-spending tw*t decided to order the pencils with the rubbers on the ends?"

His diatribe is interrupted when a wayward group of pensioners from the hotel ask him the way to the Ladies. "Oooh, are those pencils free?" one of them asks eyeing the box. "Look, Gladys, some nice pencils for the grandchildren." By the time the old ladies have all been back and forth to the loo, only five broken pencils remain.

Dirk looks into the box. He seems pleased with himself. "I knew those would be popular," he says. "But what will we do with the ones that are left?"

"Don't bloody tempt me," the MD seethes. "Just don't bloody tempt me."