Diary of a Salesman

MONDAY

To Dintona's HQ in wet and windy Wigan for much talked about meeting to clarify the company's position regarding Year 2000. The MD sets the scene; "There's been a lot of speculation in the industry lately about whether or not our products are millennium compliant. The board and I have taken note of this and we're announcing today a plan of action which will silence our detractors once and for all. I've asked our development director Dan Gormley to tell you what these measures are. Dan," he says, "It's all yours".

"Er, thanks, Robin," Dan starts hesitantly. "What Robin, er, what we've, decided is that we should frig, er, update, our demonstration software to cope with dates beyond 2000 and also Robin, er, we've, decided to, er, amend, our marketing statements to say that all our products are millennium compliant."

Robin bounces back up to take a position to the side of Dan. "Right.

That's that then. All clear everyone?" he asks.

It is plain by the exchanged glances that it isn't. However, who would want to challenge the MD's wisdom?

Fortuitously, Phil Harp, a Wigan-based salesman, who incidentally has somehow managed to acquire a Mercedes 500SL, the best company car in the organisation, pipes up just as Robin is about to disappear. "Robin, I've got a question. Our customers and prospects want to know whether our software is or isn't millennium compliant."

"F***in' hell Phil, have you just come in or summat? Show 'em the statement and give 'em a demo. Tell 'em it's not a problem."

"Sorry, Robin, but that hasn't answered the question," Phil persists.

"Is our software millennium compliant or not?"

"Look, Phil, like most of the software industry we haven't a f***in' clue. There's 300 million lines of code to check. There isn't time to test it all. If punters raise it as an objection, handle it. That's what I pay you to do."

"Look, Robin," Phil continued, despite a collective looking-down and sucking in of breath. "If our software isn't millennium compliant we might as well all go home," he says. It was like watching the Titanic head towards the iceberg. Unbelievably, Harp ploughed on. "If our software isn't millennium compliant, we're all f**ked aren't we?"

Shamefully, to a man, the whole room managed to focus on something other than Phil's wide eyes as he looks around the room for support.

Robin replies calmly. "You're right, Phil. In the year 2000, we may well all be f**ked. But, as of now, you most definitely are."

TUESDAY

Back to the temperate climes of the Thames Valley where the office is buzzing with the news that Phil Harp, 'the man with the sporty Mercedes', has 'left the company to pursue his career elsewhere'. The sudden departure of a colleague always provokes mixed emotions. I decide to call the personnel manager with some questions but she is unfortunately unable to reassure me. My bronzed colleague Nick wanders in after lunch, smiling indecently.

"Hey Tony, heard the news?" he says. "Yeah, it's terrible," I reply. "I've spoken to the personnel manager, it seems she's allocated Phil's car already".

"I know," said Nick, smugly juggling a set of Mercedes keys.

WEDNESDAY

To Bellbray Construction to finalise contracts with their solicitor Roger Spottiswoode following the MD's intervention last week.

"Look, we still have to make some changes," Spottiswoode says. "Particularly in the area of millennium compliance. Your software is millennium compliant, I presume?" My mind wanders back to Monday's meeting. No, I think, it isn't.

"Yes," I say, "It is." And for added effect, I lean over and whisper conspiratorially, "Because of course we'd be f**ked if it wasn't, wouldn't we?"

THURSDAY

Spottiswoode faxes the signed contract as agreed. Take the secretaries out for a drink.

FRIDAY

My boss rings. "Well done on the Bellbray contract. Remind me. How much of your target is it worth?"

"15%," I reply smugly.

"So you've still got 85% to go and only half the year left," he barks.

"You'd better pull your finger out, Tony, or you might be joining Harp down the job centre. Have a good weekend. Bye".