Bonus war at WongCorp

?I have some bad news Vincent. The contractors have decided to demand loyalty bonuses to stay with WongCorp. Some of their mates have been offered bonuses where they work, so they want one too,? said Gary.

?But most of them are only on contracts until 1999, so we don't really want them in the year 2000,? I replied.

?Who said anything about the year 2000?' said Gary. ?They want bonuses to stay until Christmas.?

I called a meeting of the contract staff at our local pub. ?We want our loyalty rewarded in the face of the current skills shortage, and a deluge of offers from other companies,? said Reg, a contractor who is helping to spot rogue punctuation on the intranet.

?But you only joined last week and you?re on a three-week contract,? I replied.

?Well under current conditions, I?m not sure I can stay,? said Reg. ?It?s asking a lot to expect that sort of long-term commitment, especially with rates climbing,? he added.

Eric, who came from the same agency as Reg, said: ?While contractors are always criticised for short-termism, you can have confidence that we will reward you with our 100% attention.?

?Is that true?? I asked Reg.

?Sorry, I was miles away,? he said.

The news that we are considering loyalty bonuses has galvanised our staff.

Two people who have been off sick for so long I had forgotten they worked here have turned up to get their next six months of sick notes signed, so they wouldn?t miss out.

I also spotted that we had accidentally employed a programmer?s deceased grandmother when I received two applications in the same handwriting. Luckily, I had made a note when he took a day off for the funeral.

Even our cleaner tried to have his job title converted to hardware environment maintenance manager.

I met Gary to discuss who should get a bonus. ?What about old George? He?s been here 12 years. He?s incredibly loyal,? I said.

?In that case, strike him off the list. The people we should pay loyalty bonuses to are the ones who will only stay for cash,? said Gary.

?Don?t we want to get rid of those people?? I asked.

?Put it this way, if you want to usher in the new millennium with a staff of George, his collection of branded coffee mugs and an 83-year-old corpse, don?t pay bonuses,? said Gary.