Europe awaits WongCorp

Updating our IT systems for the advent of the euro has been unexpectedly arduous in the three days since we began our compliance project.

It now seems impossible that we will be finished by Thursday unless we at least double the size of our European monetary union team. But where will we find that extra programmer?

We will have to bite the bullet and recruit a contractor with expertise in the area. Unfortunately, having paid loyalty bonuses to all the contractors who left last week, we only have the resources to hire a contractor for one afternoon, so I hope they work fast.

I enjoy working with contractors whose expertise is in accountancy, because they are the only ones who ever fill in their time sheets properly. I must admit that they generally have better personal hygiene than their peers in other disciplines.

Gerald, our contractor, was a good example. He was extremely punctual, which sadly was wasted because all the other programmers stopped to finish a game of pool before coming to our planning session.

Gerald explained: ?If you implement euro compliance it is most important to decide your strategy. In essence, there are three strategies, known as the corporate model, the executive model and the tourist model.

?The corporate model means completely remodelling your IT systems to account for international business and implementing a full dual-currency approach to financial systems, treating the euro as a base currency.

?The executive model means making your management aware of the implications of the euro and implementing the minimum conditions before 1 January 1999. The euro is treated as an alternative currency in your systems.?

?We did hope to be finished on Thursday,? Gary added.

Gerald replied: ?In that case, I must recommend the tourist model. Act as unpleasantly as possible to everyone outside the UK, so they never want to see you again, let alone trade with you. Stick a booklet on what to do with the euro under ?e? in the filing cabinet. It?s very effective.?

He added: ?I?ve also looked at your balance sheets, and abandoning all business with Europe will actually save you money.?

?Are other businesses taking this route?? Gary asked.

?Not as many as it seems,? only about half,? Gerald said. ?That?s good,? replied Gary.